A card game played at a meters distance from each other about to go very bad.
The Scottish Word:


Crivvens – ah shuid hae kent this hygienic cairt gemme o Guts-Poker-Corvid I invented widni go weel fur us whut wi us aw haein oor very own pack o cairts tae deal frae.

We’d aw been safer sharin oor slavers than this.

Hud oan noo lads, hud oan, Keep the heid…


cairts: playing cards.

Oh dear, oops – I should have known that this hygienic card game of Guts-Poker-Corvid I invented would not go well for us what with us all having our very own pack of cards to deal from.

We would all have been safer sharing our saliva than this.

Hold on now chaps, steady, keep calm…

The Scottish Word: Cairts with its definition and its meaning illustrated and captioned with the word used in context in the Scots language and in English.

The story

One eyed Tarmegant Radge McTeeger had become fed up being socially isolated and decided to invite his best pals roond to socialise while paying some lip service to keeping a meter apart.

Tarmegant Radge McTeeger.

The brains o the pack was always McTeeger, a cannie man in a fecht wi a slow fuse who cleverly designed his variant gemme o Guts-Poker that would obey the lock doon rules o keeping a fathom (6 feet) aff frae each ither and to each use their very own deck of cards and deal only to themselves.

Very hygienic.

His Mistake.

This was where McTeeger failed to take into account the exact caliber of his friends.

Not because he’s a thieving, murderous, cheating rapscallion, but because he imagines himself otherwise and would deny any such accusations and honestly claim he was a fair and decent man.

Unfortunately he projected that mistaken self-belief onto his comrades.

Buckle Glamphers McDirkless.

The shifty ersed peerie ee’d skellum o the pack. He may wear specs and be short sighted but his knife will always finds the artery he needs to cut even in the dark. He moves like a snake, kicks like a mule and even keeps the buckle of each shoe sharpened to a razor edge.

Alagrugous Wanworth Snauchle.

Cauld blooded gambler wi her muckle o-ercoat o puppy tails and leggins o kitten skins.

She makes them herself from out of her kennels in Kentucky and sells them on Ebay. She is a shairp shooter and the one good thing is the kittens and puppies don’t even hear the shot that despatches them. Even from the other side of the yard. Quick on the draw too.

Lang Shiv Hinkum Sneevlie.

He is a sliddery swick loun quick tae cheat the weak ahn tak avantage and if thwarted settle it wi his throwing blades. A meter distance is to his advantage and if you should be gleg enough to dodge his knives ye’ll be sliced in twa by his lang Samuri Sword.

Cheating is his reason for living and his excuse for killing. A bad bad man.

The Big Mistake.

These four ragabash Guts-Poker-Corvid card players had forgotten that Poker is a game of skill and calculation not luck.

They had forgotten that they were each a grave’s depth apart from peers as evil and quick as themselves and even an instant of calculation would have told them that this was going to end badly.

And it did.

The Lesson.

We are socially isolating for a reason.

To avoid killing each other. You do not know if who you infect will survive or not. You really do not know even if you will.

Keep away from mixing with other people to help slow the pile on that will happen with the medical services. That slow down will help them to save more lives than what would happen otherwise.

Including their own – they are on the front line. They will get sick at a higher rate than the rest of us.

I hope to come back and edit this after the worst has passed and am hoping that it will turn out not to be so bad.

I hope to be around to find out. I’m in the at risk category.

1 thought on “Cairts.

  1. The best and funniest short story that I have read in a long time with a moral for these troubled times.

    Thank you.

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